Crazy Guide to Quitting Smoking


I have a couple of friends who have been trying to quit smoking. For the 5h time. During the last year. Their quitting smoking is accompanied by nervous breakdowns, outbursts of anger, strange desires, like to put on old German uniforms or go marching on the street. To cut a long story short, these guys really need a systematic approach. So they asked me to write them tips how to quit smoking. To tell the truth, this is the same as to ask a penguin to compose a treatise about long flights, because I have never smoked. But I can’t refuse my friends.

Therefore here you can see Guide to Quitting Smoking.

1. Get a mate. It is no secret at all that a man feels better when he sees someone near by who feels as bad as him. Or worse.

2. Once you think about cigarettes, immediately hit yourself on the gastrocnemius muscle. Just don’t be lazy, beat it with all your might, don’t save your power. If you don’t manage to do it, ask your friends for help. I swear, after 15-20 such exercises you will think twice before smoking. And even if you decide to go for a smoke break once, it will be hard to move with your worn legs.

3. Take a look at the non-smokers. What do you think they are talking about when you go to the smoking room? Be sure they are discussing you. So, don’t give them a reason to chew the fat about you- just don’t go to the smoking room.

4. Some therapists advise to divert one’s attention away from the cigarettes by taking up a new hobby, like pokerwork, macrame or knitting. I recommend you not to follow these tips. All these new hobbies will just undo you, and that will inevitably lead to irritation and a great desire to smoke.

5. As soon as you feel you need a cigarette, start drinking water. Bet with yourself on how much water you can drink at once! It is a well-known fact: the desire to find a toilet is much stronger than the desire to smoke.

6. Imagine that you Elton John. Start with singing his songs in the shower, buy a couple of colorful jackets and pink glasses, ask your friends to call your ‘Sir’. In case of a successful transformation, you will automatically get rid of the addiction to tobacco, as we all know, that Elton doesn’t smoke.

7. Join a local library. Visit it as often as possible. I am not sure it’ll somehow influence your addiction, but at least you will support the library.

8. Find more friends who don’t smoke and start scrounging cigarettes from them. As a result you’ll lose your friends ( which is quite sad) and quit smoking ( which is great).

And finally remember: even if you’re already done many crazy things, and you managed to do it easily, don’t think it’s also as easy to quit smoking. Be diligent and persistent!

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3 thoughts on “Crazy Guide to Quitting Smoking

  1. Perhaps some people smoke for the purpose of avoiding any similarities between them and Elton John. Getting Elton John to start smoking might be an effective anti-smoking campaign. Just a thought.

  2. Simply wish to say your article is as astonishing. The clarity in your post is simply nice and i could assume you’re an expert on this subject. Well with your permission let me to grab your feed to keep up to date with forthcoming post. Thanks a million and please carry on the gratifying work.

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