Housewarming threats

I’m excited about my housewarming party even more than I am excited about moving. My new apartment is WAY better than my old crib, and I’m planning on THE-GREATEST-PARTY-EVER. However, this is not my first time moving to a new apartment, and also not the first time throwing housewarming parties. And you know what? I know the consequences! And I’m not going to repeat my mistakes. Here are some lessons that I’ve learned from my previous parties.

1. Buy paper dishes
Even if you have loads of plates and glasses, let them sit in your cupboard. You will hate the whole idea the next morning when see all those dirty dishes. You probably want to act bohemian and serve your stuff on drop-dead bourgeois plates, but believe me, the possibility to clean the mess by mere throwing the plates in the plastic bag is much better than washing them with a hangover.
2. Remove rugs
Just as everything else in your house, carpets and rugs look ugly after the party, but in this case you can’t just wipe them with a cloth and some detergent or put them in the washing machine. Besides, it’s almost impossible to get rid of odors. So, roll them over and put them as far away as possible if you don’t want to scrape guacamole and tequila off the rugs.
3. Remove valuables
If there are ANY expensive and fragile stuff in your apartment, make sure you take it away. If you really want to show off and showcase these things in front of your guests, do it in the very beginning of the party while everyone is still sober.
4. Plan!
Obviously, if there are just you and your 2 best friends, there’s no need to bother, but if you invited a lot of people to your party, you have to plan it. This is actually the mistake that many people make when throw parties. They think like: “We’ll figure something out”. Nope. You won’t. Especially if there are people that you don’t know. If you don’t want to end up sitting in awkward silence, think about some entertainments. Booze is obviously #1 cause it makes everyone talkative, so make sure your cocktails are ready. Borrowing mini soccer is also a good idea, and you can actually buy a table soccer game. It’s not expensive. People love it.
And of course, good old beer pong will never let you down.
5. Don’t invite freaks
There are dudes that puke and break things at any party. They can be nice guys, but once they take some booze, they go out of control, and you don’t want them at your party. If inviting them is absolutely inevitable, make sure they come later. Thus, they won’t have enough time to get blackout drunk and puke all over your new wallpaper.
6. Talk to your neighbors
Have you guys seen this?
The sad thing is these things happen not only to Jenna Marbles. Freaky neighbors are a threat that we all should consider. Play safe and warn yours. Bring them something to flatter them or invite them to the party. They probably won’t come, but the invitation would flatter them a lot and they won’t complain. Clinically proved.
7. Choose the right day
If you don’t want it to be too wild, set it on Thursday or Sunday. People gotta get up early and they won’t go crazy. If you do want it wild, consider Saturday, not Friday. Thus, you will have a chance to have some unlimited fun but don’t have to host visitors for 2 more days.
8. Get food
It’s important to feed your guests because otherwise alcohol would play dirty tricks on them, and they would play dirty tricks on your toilet, kitchen sink, patio, porch, vases, pool, and so on and so forth. Opt for something filling and not too expensive like guacamole, buffalo wings, etc.
So, that’s my tips for housewarming party based on my personal experience. Hope they will help you guys avoid fatal mistakes that I made before and wake up in hell. Peace!


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